I have 777 friends on facebook.

Is it sad that I have this pride? Like it feels like I’ve accomplished something in life… lol my lyf sux

Flawless faces.

They throw me off.

Faces that have been corrected with plastic surgery and have no flaws whatsoever are not normal to me.

Plastic surgery is fine, but the key of it is to make you look better, not perfect in my opinion.

Looking too much like a doll is kind of creepy lol.

I wish I was blessed with good looks.

Is that shallow? I don’t know. I just wish I was one of those ‘wow!’ people. I just wish I was perfect up to my own standards - no one else - just mine. But sometimes I do have to admit the standards I hold for myself is a bit too high it’s kind of harsh.

Tomorrow my faceboook would’ve been deactivated for a week.

I’ve never had it deactivated for more then a day, omg I’m doing so well I genuinely think someone should come over to give me a pat on the back ^_^

When I think about my future, all I see is this blank wall.

I look at people around me and I can see potential, something that I don’t have. I can see them with their amazing jobs, an incredible house all married with cute babies. I still don’t know what the frick I want to do with my life, yano? And it seems like everybody has already gotten that sorted out.

I wonder how much money I will need for the things I’m wanting…

• iPhone 4 in white: The apple store said it’s £438, but on this O2 site it said it was £630 :/ and because I want to just pay it off all at once instead of being on contracts, it’s alot of money at once. So I think I’ll say I’m going to need £630 for this, just to be on the safe side.
• New bag: I want a white Adidas side bag, and I’m not sure how much that costs… £45 to be on the safe side as well?? If not maybe a brown leather bag, or just a bag with lots of pockets and zippers :D I like those! Nevertheless there all have to be side bags. So, £45 for this.
• New clothes: Which also involves shoes lol. So like, a new hoodie, a shirt, a new pair of jeans. I’ll say £250 for this one.
• Hair dye: Probably £10.
• New make-up: Concealer, Foundation, Gel eyeliner, blusher = £50? If not more.
• A new toothbrush: I can’t remember how much the really good ones are :/ £30?
• A cross necklace: This is going to be a birthday present, and I aint spending so much on this kid :L muhahaha, I’ll probably ebay it for something, and the best I think I’m going to get for it is £10.

So far that’s it :) But I’m planning on getting it all by myself, hopefully I can get a job soon and save that up along with the allowance money I get from  my parents which is £100 a month and sometimes more if I go out… so when I go out I can spent as least as possible (I don’t even know if that made sense) and then I can all these things in no time! :D  And with my job (if I do get it) I can get paid up to £50-£170 a week :D

How to get over someone.

From past experience, the best way I try to get over someone is to try and forget all the nice things they’ve ever did and said to me and just focus on the awful things that they did to me, the horrible feelings they made me experience the the mean words that they said to me. After a while I stop missing them and I start to hate them instead. I know this way may not be the best nor a very healthy way of doing it. But it works.

I think I’ve gotten over the upset stage.

Now I’m fucking pissed off.

I’m so angry,

Fuck you.

Fuck you and your broken promises.

Fuck you and your lies.

Fuck you for not calling when you said you would.

Fuck you for not listening.

Fuck you for not being there when I needed you the most.

Fuck you for pretending to care.

Fuck you for being so selfish.

Fuck you and your huge ego and your refusal to ever say sorry.

Fuck you for all the smiles and butterflies…

Fuck you for the memories that I can’t seem to forget.

Fuck you for blaming us for drifting when it was you who refuses to put any effort in.

Not yet.

I’ve gotten to the stage now, where consciously I don’t think of you, in fact I got there a while ago. I get on with my life, have fun,  be happy, laugh about things, get sad etc, I’m fine. But I still think about you, even if I don’t realise it. I still think of you subconsciously as you just appear in my dreams, recurrently, or I feel suddenly lonely, and it’s because of you. No matter how cliche people may think it is, it’s true. I know you don’t care about me anymore, I know you may think it’s obsessive , or weird; but we share alot of memories and good times together and I know I’m stubborn for not letting go. I’m stubborn or not letting go of you; but I can’t do it. I miss you so much it makes me sick. I keep telling myself  that  want to stop thinking about you, keep telling myself that I want to let go of you, keep telling myself that I want you to get out of my head and leave me alone, but it never happens. And do you want to know why it never happens? Because I don’t think I actually want it to. I don’t actually think, I want to let you go, because if you do, that hope of the possibility that you’ll come back, that hope of the possibility that things will be different, well, it will disappear; I can’t let go of you yet.

I hate seeing couples.

Why? Because, when I look at them. I see something I can’t have. As much as I long for a long, happy relationship, I can never find one. I always mess it up somehow, some way. When I see couples holding hands, and kissing, it makes me feel lonelier than I already was. After I watch all these happy couple for so long without actually being one of them myself, I begin to wonder if something is wrong with me.

I told you you’d leave.

You assured me that you wouldn’t. You said if we were to fall out you’d try to talk to me, you said you’d try as much as possible to get something going. You told me you’d never give up on me. But look at where we are now. Eat up your words, boy! Because now I don’t see you doing anything to stop us from drifting apart. I told you I was afraid that we’d become one of those people who used to talk till 3AM but then after I’d be lucky to even get a hello. Well, I guess I’m living my nightmare.

Trusting.

You say I don’t trust you, you accuse me of not telling you anything and it makes my heart ache for you to think that. Truth is, I’ve been revealing more of myself to you ever since I got to know you, you just don’t realize that the things I’ve been telling you I haven’t had the guts to tell anyone before. I still think I’ve told you more then I should, but whenever I tell you that you wave it off and still stand by your words about me not telling you anything. I don’t usually open up to people, I don’t trust people so easily… so if I do trust you please don’t make me regret it.

I don’t know how to go back.

Replaying memories in my head over and over again, wishing that I could go back. Thinking what I did so wrong in the space between then and now that made the things so different between us. It’s not very healthy is it, my dear? What do I have to do for things to back to the time when you were actually there for me? You’ve forgotten everything, whilst I’m still here holding on to every little piece memory that we shared. But I guess that’s okay, you’re never going to remember the things I won’t forget anyway. I just need to accept the fact that we won’t communicate anymore and move on, because that ache I get whenever I think of you… I don’t like it.

My mum is off to her friend’s party, my dad is off to HIS friend’s party. My sister wil be out. House to myself… GUESS WHO’S HAVING A RAVING PART?!?

Not me.